Before a move, everyone prepares for flat hunting, visas and the new job. Fewer people prepare for the fact that settling in is emotional work as well. Whether you are an international in Budapest or a Hungarian abroad, you may know the feeling that everything is fine, and yet something is missing.
The stages of cultural adjustment
The anthropologist Kalervo Oberg described culture shock as early as 1960. The model has been refined many times since, but the main stages are still easy to recognise:
- Enthusiasm. Everything is new and exciting, and the differences seem interesting.
- Frustration. Paperwork, the language and unspoken rules wear you down. Homesickness and irritability are common.
- Adjustment. Routines form, first friendships appear, and the place slowly starts to feel like home.
- Two homes. You can move in both cultures, though sometimes you feel fully at home in neither.
These stages do not always come in order. One bad week can throw you back into frustration even after years in a place.
What we rarely talk about
The situation of the trailing partner, for example, who moved for the other’s job and lost their own professional identity along the way. Or the guilt we feel towards parents and friends back home. And the strange feeling, when visiting home, that we no longer quite fit in there either.
A few things that can help
- Build at least one regular activity where you see the same people each time.
- Give yourself time. Adjustment often takes a year or two.
- Keep your old connections, while making room for new ones.
- If you have felt low for weeks, ask for support.
I work in English, French and Hungarian, in person and online, so we can work together wherever you live. If you would like to talk about it, write to me.